The Demon Within

img_1977.jpgWe all have demons. For some they are strong-willed and for others their demons live in the shadow of their act. In essence every human on this planet holds a dark side. We hear people often say this is a good human. What does that mean? Do these people not have demons? Do they only live in the presence of goodness? In a bad book or in an unrealistic movie my answer would be YES! But in real life I could only answer this question with the note that most people play the act of having no demons. These people most of the time act good but miss out being real. You might think isn’t it a game of controlling your bad vibes urges? Yes it is! But only people aware of their demons can find a way to prison them or tame them.

The illusion that some people are only described by goodness kills a lot of trust. When portraying you’re not real self to people who are supposed to love you or like you are creating a facade of fake bonds and relationships. While doing that you create terms that are unrealistic for you to follow and to hard for you to obtain. In such cases we see that most relations or bonds end with the note ” I actually never knew him or her”, ” I never expected her or him to be like this” or  ” Its strange how people change”. Note to self: ” People don’t change! It’s the acting mask that falls of. You can’t act for the rest of your life, you can’t ignore what is inside of you and you definitely can’t gain control of a demon that has been a part of you for so long and whom you havent acknowledged .” Whenever you think that people in your life have changed remember this: those people have never been real to you from the beginning.  It’s a human trick to make you believe that they are only good! It takes a lot of courage and self-awareness to show the ugly sides that also hide inside of you in the beginning.

We humans are dream chasers, we chase that what we dream of and what we wish for. So when meeting someone new we assume that they are the dream we have waited for. We project unrealistic character trades upon them and they hide and act along. The beginning of every relation starts with rainbows and a great summer breeze but when months fly by we notice more and more habits or flaws. That is the moment we start the fight of: ” YOU HAVE CHANGED.” Good news; they have not changed. Bad news; they never were themselves in the period that determined that you chose to be friends or lovers with them. What does that mean? You have been fooled from the beginning!

I sense that while reading this you disagree with me. You might state: ” you can’t show your demons to someone you have just met.” I agree with that! But when you can’t and wont show your bad sides to someone you must be aware of the fact that you have to control and cure those demons. Be aware of what ugly sides you carry with you so that when the time comes for you to show that side you can also show that you have learned to deal with them. Never put the burden of your demons reflection upon someone who becomes a part of your life. Dont get me wrong, people have to help each other in times of pain in despair but they can’t demand of others to put up with their unwillingness to deal with their demons before they start a bond of love or friendship. Be courageous enough to show your bad sides from the beginning and if you know that those demons are too frightening for every new person in your life than first deal with that demon yourself and then create new relationships and or friendships. If you expect truth and trust in a relationship then know that the first step is letting them meet the real you even if that means that they need to see a reflection of you might not share in fear that they will never accept you.

Remember that people never change, they are who they are from the beginning. Your view of them changes because slowly they keep lacking in hiding the reality of their being. They slack in their act and become more and more neglectful and in that moment you think they have changed. So for all of you meeting new people, try fighting your own demons, accept them, be aware of them and let the people who are letting you in their hearts and arms know what kind of demon you have tamed and that someday maybe you would need some back up in keeping that demon locked up.

Sodaba Abibzay – Nefelibata

A Leap of Doubt?



Replace faith for doubt
When I was young I had a vision of how relationships should be. I had the example of movies I saw growing up. I read it in books I was addicted to. I heard it in songs I danced on in happy days. Years went by and my perception of relations got ripped apart. I understood one thing really well and that was the misconception of how we should treat our loved-ones. We humans are all in need of one thing; the believe that we matter for someone with whom our hearts are connected. We breathe by recognition, we heal by admiration and we smile by appreciation. But it is this same way of old-school thinking that keeps you urging for breath while you are left breathless, that infects the even healed wounds and that turns a bright smile in to a dark sadness of mistrust.

Why so?
What we used to know in name of commitment we now changed for doubt. What we needed to survive was the support and love of our loved ones but now it has made place for the urge of seeking more and better. The fear of settling for less makes us settle for nothing. The feeling of fear wins from the open arms of hope. We are trying to make a name, an existence, an identity and we forget that a name hold only by you means nothing, an existence shared alone equals to loneliness and an identity that does not include feelings stands in line with automatic creations. Why don’t we understand that the best part of life is to hold on to the thing that stood hand in hand with humanity: “ Love”.The subjective meaning of happiness has become a cold and materialistic description. Happiness is when you have a certain car, a certain house, a certain wardrobe and a certain status. Happiness is a product of use and misuse. My world broke in to pieces when realization pinched my heart. The pain was unreal. The sadness cruel but just like most storms end even this feeling of uncertainty ended. It made place for a feeling of pride, ambition, gratitude and independence. Now I breathe by recognition of my own name, I heal by admiration of family and friends and I smile by appreciation of life given to me to live. When searching happiness in others can only give you insecurities then try to find it somewhere trust worthy “within yourself”.

The lesson I learned in this 32 years of life is that bad people are always a part of our own acceptance. While wanting to be valued, stop making excuses for the mistakes of others. While wanted to feel true love , then engage with people who are emotionally evolved to maturity. If happiness is hard, then try to find gratitude for something. Some of you may have forgotten the grace of the gift called ” being alive”. Not everyone gets this gift. This same moment you are reading this and someone somewhere is closing their eyes forever. How grateful are you for the great things in life? While entering 2019 I want you to write down a list of all the things you are greatful for. Continue doing so and see if this leap of doubt magically turns in to a leap of faith in the direction of trust, love, morals, manners, dreams, happiness but above all gratefullness!

Wishing you all a Happy New Year Filled with Faith in yourself, your creator and others!


By Sodaba Abibzay


The God Syndrome



Have you ever heard of this word? I never did untill a friend of mine refered to it. I told her that I would write an article about what she calls the ‘’ God Syndrome’’.  The essence of the word was clear in my mind but I just needed a little bit of motivation or insight to get it on paper. It was like my  prayers were heard and I encountered an event that underlined this word in to perfection. It was like this word came to life and looked me in to my eyes and introduced itself. It was real. Not ink on paper but flesh and blood staring you in your eyes and depicting the image of this word. Every artist would take out their brushes if they see an image they want to capture, I grabbed my pen and started to write. Because right now it is in front of my eyes and I can see every little detail that it has shown me. I want to capture the feeling so that whenever I think of the word God Syndrome , I know exactly what to see and feel. After reading my article you might see a different image of this syndrome than that I do but the description will stay the same. 

What do we think about if we hear the word god? We think of purity and the creator of all good. But in this scenario the word god is not used in its most purest form. We all have met people in our lives with whom it connects directly. People you see as a good energy or an even brighter soul. The souls that touch our heart and mind by telling us who they are and what they went trough. They give us the feeling that they are here to give and above all to stay. Their presence makes your life a little better. They make you laugh, give you compliments and know what to do so that your affection towards them grow. They will create an image that needs worshipping. You link goodness to their name and a halo to their picture. The moment you think you found your creation that comes near perfection, they already know that they are worshipped. They know that their name is recited in your prayers and that their face is the light where you were searching for. It is in that moment that they turn the table and show a different version of the halo that you saw until then. Goodness and humbleness makes place for arrogance and bitterness. You will be left confused and keep wondering if this is someone else. When doing good and being good one can be worshipped and loved but this image demands that you keep the same respect and value of them that you had before the tables turned.

They have gotten so well in character and acted so outstanding that they started to believe their characterisation and demanded the same value and respect as that they were given when in role. This person loses all sense of reality and lives in a world where admiration of them and praising them is the obligation of all. They lose the energy to maintain their role so they don’t act according their script but they do demand the same appreciation for their existence. In every situation they are right and you are wrong. They know everything. You must feel lucky to get a glimpse of them and you should feel very blessed that they breathe near you. They really believe that they are good after every wrong that they have done. They feel sublime in every step that they take. Their reflection in the mirror is that of greatness. Your acceptance of their bad behavior is your pledge of admiration and you will be rewarded by their presence in your life. Whenever your admiration makes place for critique you will be the fallen angel and will be banned!

Unlike every other syndrome this one is not curable yet. There are no meds or effective therapy. This syndrome is strange to science but because the percentage of people suffering from this syndrome grows , science should  start doing research on how to detect this syndrome and how to cure. So whenever you encounter someone with this syndrome tell them : ‘’ Get Well Soon’’.  For those around me suffering this disease I hope that one day you guys recover!


Sodaba Abibzay – Nefelibata


The Game..

While winners participate a race to excel, losers participate a race only for the satisfaction and the feeling of being important. Games are played all around the world  but every game has a set of rules. Respect is one of the core values of every game.

Playing the game of happiness, the game of love, the game of success but above all the game of self-knowledge is our daily occupation. I learned a lot about myself in the past years. I went from problem, to denying, to facing the facts, to ignoring, to discovering the rules, to accepting, to researching and  to building myself up from dust. The last step of the phases I passed was the phase of implementing. They say that the road towards is the hardest. But my personal experience has shown me that when walking to the top of the mountain you may feel tired but you don’t feel the pain of exhaustion. Once reached the top, looking down the road you have travelled, you will start to feel the pain of the journey.

When games are played we reward the winner in a certain way. When people play the game of life they reward them-self with satisfaction. Having a winner mindset is of a great asset to your personality but when winning is your only goal and your only accepted outcome you begin to show symptoms of a cheater. We humans have a sick way of justifying this kind of behavior. When it comes to a certain feeling we can go beyond boundaries and then use a phrase as: “ everything is fair in love and war” but is it? Because the humanity dictionary will translate that sentence as: “ I am a self-centered, egoistic person that would do anything to anyone just to get what pleases me on my terms.” Wow, that sounds quit unacceptable. That’s the main reason we never utter those words, instead we use one-liners and quotes that will justify every inhuman and egoistic behavior of us with the same meaning but just dressed up in a different wardrobe. If you master your words, you master the game. When you master your goals, you master life. When you master in all these things you fail to master in Humanity.

When playing games, you may have the joy of winning, but when losing something called dignity, self-respect, honesty and humanity you will lose the joy of a peaceful conscious, a goodnight sleep and a light heart to carry. Start playing games when winning will serve a higher purpose, that of humanity and dignity but if the outcome will cost you your peace of mind you should remember that even by winning you have lost!

Sodaba Abibzay – Nefelibata

In conversation with the heart…


I the mind tried to rationalize in reasoning to convince the heart. So when reasoning with it I failed to convince the rhythm of its beats. Still now and then I try to talk to its conscience and its emotions. My friendly and gentle way of communication doesn’t piss it off but opens a door for me to peak in and understand the way it works.  As a well-mannered guest, I tried to be polite. Sitting on the couch I take a look around and I find all the beats that have gone wasted in these years. I spotted the beats of suffering, the beats that were broken, the beats that were betrayed, the beats that were hated the beats that were forgotten and by all means the beats that failed in their purpose.

While looking at those painful beats I started to think that the heart was a sadist. As gentle as possible I tried asking it why it had opened its doors for me? It replied in strength: ”for those living and wanting to live it is needed to feel like home. It needs to give the warmth, joy, acceptance and above all the love one receives in a home and no other gesture can give all that than inviting someone in your home with open arms”. This answer confused me. Earlier I was confronted with all the beats suffering then how should I feel at home here? Seeing the confusion in my eyes it said: “ whenever we build relations, home ‘s, a feeling, an emotion or an act we need to take along our past beats. I still did not understand that a place that should resemble warmth, joy, acceptance and love should also carry the weight of failure, heartbreak, hatred and anger. Again, the heart understood me before I uttered my confusion in to words. It added: “Your luggage of beats makes you wiser in relations, it helps you feel with caution, it limits your emotions, it moves your acts into the right direction and that is how you will find a home.”

In conversation with the heart I was convinced that by accepting our past, our pain, our torture, our failures and our disappointments we will create the ability to not only give it a place in our homes (hearts) but we could also let it lead us to other places we can call home. The heart reasoned with me in such way that even after rationalizing it I would not lead but follow into its beats.

 Chief Joseph stated: “ I believe much trouble would be saved if we opened our hearts more.” I believe that opening your heart to the past and the future will create love and kindness and love is where the home is – a home that our feet may leave, but not our heart.

By Sodaba Abibzay

Where the light enters


img_1922This is inspired by all those people who give, love and care without conditions . This is for all the courageous people who dare to live like it matters despite the fact that they have lost faith, hope, love and lots of nights and days wondering why they found pain while they tried to cure others. When the pain screamed “give up!”, your inner strength and hope whispered ” try it one more time”. We often forget that strength comes from within there where, forgiveness, love and hope are firmed.


I am a person to whom everything of everyone matters. It matters to me that someone is sick, it matters to me that far from my bed someone is hungry, it matters to me that someone is upset, it matters to me when a child cries, it matters to me to see a tear in the eyes of loved ones, it matters to me when someone gets a heartbreak. It all matters so much that even in the most painful situations i try to understand others. So eventually it all mattered so much to a point that I didn’t matter anymore for myself and for those who labeled my caring too much as a weakness.

Their doubt towards me made me question myself. What is the point in caring if it is not appreciated? How can one make the leap to I don’t give a thing from I give my all to all? It is called character assassination. Our behavior with our friends, loved ones, family, spouse, dates and children determines a certain character within them and within us. They say we people are the reflection of the 5 individuals we hang out with the most. So what if all those people are in a rush and hurry to change who you are in heart and mind? Will that affect you? Will you be the product of their pointing fingers? If caring is gold then how come it is crushing in value? Why is it that the most important things in life are also the least appreciated things? Is it because we all have shifted from it all matters to nothing matters at all? Was I heading late in my shift or was I always the one that differed from the rest? Questions that pain your brain and sometimes pinch your heart excelling in big pearl tears from the eyes. Was it cruel to care a lot? Was it self-destruction to maintain a certain amount of love and appreciation while most people have shifted their priorities long before you ever noticed? We say that we value things that are hard to find, but what if you stopped valuing that exact same thing because it found you. Is the search, the hunt and the race towards it more important than the eventual prize? Is it by nature bound that we only value the things we can’t have? Or is it this the humans dishonest way of being unthankful to things that we have?

Are we creatures that lost their actual meaning by just defining in status, money and positions? Did we forget that being human is also a compliment? That to care one needs a heart, that to forgive one needs personality and that to love beyond measures one needs courage? Having that said, I can conclude that most of us are heartless, coward creatures without personality? I was thinking this last phrase out loud and it is a depressing thought to be labeled as a heartless, coward creature without personality. So as much as I love to change my ending I can assure that no one wants to be boxed in that area. So did I go from it all mattered to nothing matters at all? No I did not. Reason? I can name a thousand but for now I will leave you with just one: I don’t like the idea of being a heartless, coward person without personality.

Will I care again? Sure I will, will I love when I get back nothing in return? Yes I will. Will I try to give as much as I can? Yes I will. Will I be hurt again? Yes I will. But that will determine that I am a brave person with a beating heart that once in a while may get bruised but heals because of a nurturing personality. It will sound cliché to say but when it all matters then you will eventually matter to the right people and you wont need any limitation in your personality. Being aware of every blessing in life will not only heal your broken pieces but will also shift the quality of your life to a level where you can feel, appreciate , smile or cry but be content with yourself. Hurt and pain is inevitable  in life but learning from it is a choice you can make. If you need to change the quality of your life, then try changing your mindset from ” Why me?” to  ” Try me!”. Every day you wake up healthy you find yourself being blessed by the grace of god. That is a gift most of us don’t even appreciate or think about but knowing that you are blessed with an other 24 hours how do you react? We live once, we meet wonderful people, even people who hurt or break us are wonderful because of the lessons they tought us. Like Rumi my favourite poet and the best humanist once said : ” The wound is the place where the light enters you.” So if getting hurt is all that I am risking for the light to enter my life I would give it all to all every time again.

By Sodaba Abibzay – Nefelibata