Alis Propriis Volat..

She Flies with her own wings..

To know who I am I needed to remind myself of what i was and never wanted to be anymore. Growth is painful. It hurts like breaking structure whether that is of your bones or your core. Change is painful and really disturbing. It makes you feel uncertain and really weak. It gives you the feeling of failure but above all it gives you a sight you rather hide. Feeling, accepting and knowing to move ahead at the staircase is feeling fear. The fear of not knowing where your feet will land, how secure that place is or what is awaiting you. You were so safe on the ground, no fear of falling down, no stress of using strength, no effort of making it pleasant.

I learned the hard way to adapt in order to survive. I learned that if you want to become better you need to do better. I realized that a lot I can’t control but that what I can I will use and put to use. Being unable to get up in the morning and taking a shower, not having the strength to take a walk and not enjoying the most enjoyable moments and things in life tought me that life and the feeling of being alive is a gift that should not go waisted. Years after I put to use what I have learned in the most darkest periods of my life. There is no slower death than being alive, breathing, sleeping and eating but wishing not to wake up the next morning. When you can’t worship the beauty of the moon, the smell of a summer evening or the color of the spring flowers than you may be breathing but you’re not alive. That feeling, was my rock bottom. I was unable to smile when I saw a baby, I was unable to cry when I saw someone’s pain. I was in the dark and there I disappeared. Often i tried to fight against it in search of the light but just like me even my aspiration for life was weak and beaten by events of life. It was in those days that I really understood the meaning of life and being alive. The feeling of a smile, the power of kindness and the healing of love.

They say dark times in life change your view on everything. I can tell you that they do.
Before the dark period in my life I wanted to be someone, but now my ambition is to just be me and be happy with the me that I am. Being able to accept yourself, your flaws and shortcomings is step number 1 towards the light. Having the power to understand that life is not something we should take for granted will make you see every moment as a joyride and every uphill as a challenge. Challenges keep you alert, sharp and motivated. I believe that everyone can feel happiness, despite the situation, position or problems that they face. The only thing you need to do for that is accept the situation, have faith in yourself, seek for solutions and keep in mind that the biggest gift you receive every day is the good health and the save home that you wake up in to. Depression and sadness can rob you from your smile and lust for life but if you think in gratitude instead of attitude you will rob depression of his power. Being alive and healthy is the biggest gift you have received, try to enjoy this gift and give back as much as happiness, love, laughter and joy as you can. Before I was under the impression that happiness was in things and people, now I know that happiness is in the simple things of life. It is in the things you can’t control and in the things that are for free. Happiness is your gratitude, Happiness is you, being you and accepting you. Happiness is in letting go and being content. Happiness is in forgiving without having received an apology. Happiness is in wishing well and not asking anything in return. Happiness is in the basics of life.

My happiness is, music that touches my soul, my cup of coffee in the morning, the uncertainty of life, the magic of words, the love of love, the goodness of real friendships and the always and forever of family. Embrace yours and see life evolve in to a gift you love to unpack every single day!!

Sodaba Abibzay


Generations change. People make mistakes and mistakes are forgiven. While we all evolve and we assume that every generation after us becomes smarter and fiercer I can only get to the conclusion that we might get book smart and technology smart but this generation is emotionally stupid! The social media has become their only identity and self-love has made room for I wont mind being your side chick! self-respect is washed down the toilet with vlogs and controversies and dignity is exchanged for vendi. I see couplegoals all over the internet but it lacks reality. I see hashtags that say #goals, but i don’t see people working towards a goal.

I am not that old but when i see and hear the stories of this generation I feel like I have landed in a whole new universe. Since when did honesty get out of fashion and was manipulation the new best thing? If i see couples in trouble I see a new follow and a new love story starts. We value words over actions and when actions are to vivid for our eyes we act blind by love. Why is it that little girls with daddy issues and little boys with mommy issues tend to find peace in submission and power? Why is it that little girls change boyfriends often than that they change their thong and that little boys start a harem of girls while they can’t even spell the word harem. To busy with ” the boy is mine”, less bothered with ”who am i”. If this is going to be the generation of WOMEN AND MEN that will follow-up my generation well I can assure you one thing, even in their 30’s they will be little girls getting grown ass issues and little boys facing real men problems.

When in your 20’s , besides your hormones you should also invest in your personal growth like your personality or your character or your future. So that when you guys get children they don’t turn out stupid. Getting laid, lying, cheating, partying, playing games, wearing brands and getting high is not the only things you should focus on. Growing instagram followers and likes is not as important as growing your intelligence and mindset. I hope that I am wrong and that the future is in good hands but if I look over my shoulder and see what is about to represent us I see Trumph-like leaders and Kim Kardashian-like role models. #growsomebrainsinsteadofass!

The Demon Within

img_1977.jpgWe all have demons. For some they are strong-willed and for others their demons live in the shadow of their act. In essence every human on this planet holds a dark side. We hear people often say this is a good human. What does that mean? Do these people not have demons? Do they only live in the presence of goodness? In a bad book or in an unrealistic movie my answer would be YES! But in real life I could only answer this question with the note that most people play the act of having no demons. These people most of the time act good but miss out being real. You might think isn’t it a game of controlling your bad vibes urges? Yes it is! But only people aware of their demons can find a way to prison them or tame them.

The illusion that some people are only described by goodness kills a lot of trust. When portraying you’re not real self to people who are supposed to love you or like you are creating a facade of fake bonds and relationships. While doing that you create terms that are unrealistic for you to follow and to hard for you to obtain. In such cases we see that most relations or bonds end with the note ” I actually never knew him or her”, ” I never expected her or him to be like this” or  ” Its strange how people change”. Note to self: ” People don’t change! It’s the acting mask that falls of. You can’t act for the rest of your life, you can’t ignore what is inside of you and you definitely can’t gain control of a demon that has been a part of you for so long and whom you havent acknowledged .” Whenever you think that people in your life have changed remember this: those people have never been real to you from the beginning.  It’s a human trick to make you believe that they are only good! It takes a lot of courage and self-awareness to show the ugly sides that also hide inside of you in the beginning.

We humans are dream chasers, we chase that what we dream of and what we wish for. So when meeting someone new we assume that they are the dream we have waited for. We project unrealistic character trades upon them and they hide and act along. The beginning of every relation starts with rainbows and a great summer breeze but when months fly by we notice more and more habits or flaws. That is the moment we start the fight of: ” YOU HAVE CHANGED.” Good news; they have not changed. Bad news; they never were themselves in the period that determined that you chose to be friends or lovers with them. What does that mean? You have been fooled from the beginning!

I sense that while reading this you disagree with me. You might state: ” you can’t show your demons to someone you have just met.” I agree with that! But when you can’t and wont show your bad sides to someone you must be aware of the fact that you have to control and cure those demons. Be aware of what ugly sides you carry with you so that when the time comes for you to show that side you can also show that you have learned to deal with them. Never put the burden of your demons reflection upon someone who becomes a part of your life. Dont get me wrong, people have to help each other in times of pain in despair but they can’t demand of others to put up with their unwillingness to deal with their demons before they start a bond of love or friendship. Be courageous enough to show your bad sides from the beginning and if you know that those demons are too frightening for every new person in your life than first deal with that demon yourself and then create new relationships and or friendships. If you expect truth and trust in a relationship then know that the first step is letting them meet the real you even if that means that they need to see a reflection of you might not share in fear that they will never accept you.

Remember that people never change, they are who they are from the beginning. Your view of them changes because slowly they keep lacking in hiding the reality of their being. They slack in their act and become more and more neglectful and in that moment you think they have changed. So for all of you meeting new people, try fighting your own demons, accept them, be aware of them and let the people who are letting you in their hearts and arms know what kind of demon you have tamed and that someday maybe you would need some back up in keeping that demon locked up.

Sodaba Abibzay – Nefelibata

A Leap of Doubt?



Replace faith for doubt
When I was young I had a vision of how relationships should be. I had the example of movies I saw growing up. I read it in books I was addicted to. I heard it in songs I danced on in happy days. Years went by and my perception of relations got ripped apart. I understood one thing really well and that was the misconception of how we should treat our loved-ones. We humans are all in need of one thing; the believe that we matter for someone with whom our hearts are connected. We breathe by recognition, we heal by admiration and we smile by appreciation. But it is this same way of old-school thinking that keeps you urging for breath while you are left breathless, that infects the even healed wounds and that turns a bright smile in to a dark sadness of mistrust.

Why so?
What we used to know in name of commitment we now changed for doubt. What we needed to survive was the support and love of our loved ones but now it has made place for the urge of seeking more and better. The fear of settling for less makes us settle for nothing. The feeling of fear wins from the open arms of hope. We are trying to make a name, an existence, an identity and we forget that a name hold only by you means nothing, an existence shared alone equals to loneliness and an identity that does not include feelings stands in line with automatic creations. Why don’t we understand that the best part of life is to hold on to the thing that stood hand in hand with humanity: “ Love”.The subjective meaning of happiness has become a cold and materialistic description. Happiness is when you have a certain car, a certain house, a certain wardrobe and a certain status. Happiness is a product of use and misuse. My world broke in to pieces when realization pinched my heart. The pain was unreal. The sadness cruel but just like most storms end even this feeling of uncertainty ended. It made place for a feeling of pride, ambition, gratitude and independence. Now I breathe by recognition of my own name, I heal by admiration of family and friends and I smile by appreciation of life given to me to live. When searching happiness in others can only give you insecurities then try to find it somewhere trust worthy “within yourself”.

The lesson I learned in this 32 years of life is that bad people are always a part of our own acceptance. While wanting to be valued, stop making excuses for the mistakes of others. While wanted to feel true love , then engage with people who are emotionally evolved to maturity. If happiness is hard, then try to find gratitude for something. Some of you may have forgotten the grace of the gift called ” being alive”. Not everyone gets this gift. This same moment you are reading this and someone somewhere is closing their eyes forever. How grateful are you for the great things in life? While entering 2019 I want you to write down a list of all the things you are greatful for. Continue doing so and see if this leap of doubt magically turns in to a leap of faith in the direction of trust, love, morals, manners, dreams, happiness but above all gratefullness!

Wishing you all a Happy New Year Filled with Faith in yourself, your creator and others!


By Sodaba Abibzay


The God Syndrome



Have you ever heard of this word? I never did untill a friend of mine refered to it. I told her that I would write an article about what she calls the ‘’ God Syndrome’’.  The essence of the word was clear in my mind but I just needed a little bit of motivation or insight to get it on paper. It was like my  prayers were heard and I encountered an event that underlined this word in to perfection. It was like this word came to life and looked me in to my eyes and introduced itself. It was real. Not ink on paper but flesh and blood staring you in your eyes and depicting the image of this word. Every artist would take out their brushes if they see an image they want to capture, I grabbed my pen and started to write. Because right now it is in front of my eyes and I can see every little detail that it has shown me. I want to capture the feeling so that whenever I think of the word God Syndrome , I know exactly what to see and feel. After reading my article you might see a different image of this syndrome than that I do but the description will stay the same. 

What do we think about if we hear the word god? We think of purity and the creator of all good. But in this scenario the word god is not used in its most purest form. We all have met people in our lives with whom it connects directly. People you see as a good energy or an even brighter soul. The souls that touch our heart and mind by telling us who they are and what they went trough. They give us the feeling that they are here to give and above all to stay. Their presence makes your life a little better. They make you laugh, give you compliments and know what to do so that your affection towards them grow. They will create an image that needs worshipping. You link goodness to their name and a halo to their picture. The moment you think you found your creation that comes near perfection, they already know that they are worshipped. They know that their name is recited in your prayers and that their face is the light where you were searching for. It is in that moment that they turn the table and show a different version of the halo that you saw until then. Goodness and humbleness makes place for arrogance and bitterness. You will be left confused and keep wondering if this is someone else. When doing good and being good one can be worshipped and loved but this image demands that you keep the same respect and value of them that you had before the tables turned.

They have gotten so well in character and acted so outstanding that they started to believe their characterisation and demanded the same value and respect as that they were given when in role. This person loses all sense of reality and lives in a world where admiration of them and praising them is the obligation of all. They lose the energy to maintain their role so they don’t act according their script but they do demand the same appreciation for their existence. In every situation they are right and you are wrong. They know everything. You must feel lucky to get a glimpse of them and you should feel very blessed that they breathe near you. They really believe that they are good after every wrong that they have done. They feel sublime in every step that they take. Their reflection in the mirror is that of greatness. Your acceptance of their bad behavior is your pledge of admiration and you will be rewarded by their presence in your life. Whenever your admiration makes place for critique you will be the fallen angel and will be banned!

Unlike every other syndrome this one is not curable yet. There are no meds or effective therapy. This syndrome is strange to science but because the percentage of people suffering from this syndrome grows , science should  start doing research on how to detect this syndrome and how to cure. So whenever you encounter someone with this syndrome tell them : ‘’ Get Well Soon’’.  For those around me suffering this disease I hope that one day you guys recover!


Sodaba Abibzay – Nefelibata


The Game..

While winners participate a race to excel, losers participate a race only for the satisfaction and the feeling of being important. Games are played all around the world  but every game has a set of rules. Respect is one of the core values of every game.

Playing the game of happiness, the game of love, the game of success but above all the game of self-knowledge is our daily occupation. I learned a lot about myself in the past years. I went from problem, to denying, to facing the facts, to ignoring, to discovering the rules, to accepting, to researching and  to building myself up from dust. The last step of the phases I passed was the phase of implementing. They say that the road towards is the hardest. But my personal experience has shown me that when walking to the top of the mountain you may feel tired but you don’t feel the pain of exhaustion. Once reached the top, looking down the road you have travelled, you will start to feel the pain of the journey.

When games are played we reward the winner in a certain way. When people play the game of life they reward them-self with satisfaction. Having a winner mindset is of a great asset to your personality but when winning is your only goal and your only accepted outcome you begin to show symptoms of a cheater. We humans have a sick way of justifying this kind of behavior. When it comes to a certain feeling we can go beyond boundaries and then use a phrase as: “ everything is fair in love and war” but is it? Because the humanity dictionary will translate that sentence as: “ I am a self-centered, egoistic person that would do anything to anyone just to get what pleases me on my terms.” Wow, that sounds quit unacceptable. That’s the main reason we never utter those words, instead we use one-liners and quotes that will justify every inhuman and egoistic behavior of us with the same meaning but just dressed up in a different wardrobe. If you master your words, you master the game. When you master your goals, you master life. When you master in all these things you fail to master in Humanity.

When playing games, you may have the joy of winning, but when losing something called dignity, self-respect, honesty and humanity you will lose the joy of a peaceful conscious, a goodnight sleep and a light heart to carry. Start playing games when winning will serve a higher purpose, that of humanity and dignity but if the outcome will cost you your peace of mind you should remember that even by winning you have lost!

Sodaba Abibzay – Nefelibata