Alis Propriis Volat..

She Flies with her own wings..

To know who I am I needed to remind myself of what i was and never wanted to be anymore. Growth is painful. It hurts like breaking structure whether that is of your bones or your core. Change is painful and really disturbing. It makes you feel uncertain and really weak. It gives you the feeling of failure but above all it gives you a sight you rather hide. Feeling, accepting and knowing to move ahead at the staircase is feeling fear. The fear of not knowing where your feet will land, how secure that place is or what is awaiting you. You were so safe on the ground, no fear of falling down, no stress of using strength, no effort of making it pleasant.

I learned the hard way to adapt in order to survive. I learned that if you want to become better you need to do better. I realized that a lot I can’t control but that what I can I will use and put to use. Being unable to get up in the morning and taking a shower, not having the strength to take a walk and not enjoying the most enjoyable moments and things in life tought me that life and the feeling of being alive is a gift that should not go waisted. Years after I put to use what I have learned in the most darkest periods of my life. There is no slower death than being alive, breathing, sleeping and eating but wishing not to wake up the next morning. When you can’t worship the beauty of the moon, the smell of a summer evening or the color of the spring flowers than you may be breathing but you’re not alive. That feeling, was my rock bottom. I was unable to smile when I saw a baby, I was unable to cry when I saw someone’s pain. I was in the dark and there I disappeared. Often i tried to fight against it in search of the light but just like me even my aspiration for life was weak and beaten by events of life. It was in those days that I really understood the meaning of life and being alive. The feeling of a smile, the power of kindness and the healing of love.

They say dark times in life change your view on everything. I can tell you that they do.
Before the dark period in my life I wanted to be someone, but now my ambition is to just be me and be happy with the me that I am. Being able to accept yourself, your flaws and shortcomings is step number 1 towards the light. Having the power to understand that life is not something we should take for granted will make you see every moment as a joyride and every uphill as a challenge. Challenges keep you alert, sharp and motivated. I believe that everyone can feel happiness, despite the situation, position or problems that they face. The only thing you need to do for that is accept the situation, have faith in yourself, seek for solutions and keep in mind that the biggest gift you receive every day is the good health and the save home that you wake up in to. Depression and sadness can rob you from your smile and lust for life but if you think in gratitude instead of attitude you will rob depression of his power. Being alive and healthy is the biggest gift you have received, try to enjoy this gift and give back as much as happiness, love, laughter and joy as you can. Before I was under the impression that happiness was in things and people, now I know that happiness is in the simple things of life. It is in the things you can’t control and in the things that are for free. Happiness is your gratitude, Happiness is you, being you and accepting you. Happiness is in letting go and being content. Happiness is in forgiving without having received an apology. Happiness is in wishing well and not asking anything in return. Happiness is in the basics of life.

My happiness is, music that touches my soul, my cup of coffee in the morning, the uncertainty of life, the magic of words, the love of love, the goodness of real friendships and the always and forever of family. Embrace yours and see life evolve in to a gift you love to unpack every single day!!

Sodaba Abibzay

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