Has someone ever told you about how life , the sadness and its injustice is all part of a plan. A plan? My definition of plan is – a well thought, described , decision to do things a certain way. It seems to me that I missed the part where all of this was ever decided by me. So if it wasnt me who decided this then who did?
In terms of logic we believe that choices bring us where we are, what we feel and how we become. In terms of spirituality and believe most religions or spiritual believes take hope and drive towards the fact that our lives have been written for us. That whatever we do, seek or get is part of a higher power. That we are tested in both good and bad times. Reflecting on this piece of information i stumble on the fact that like most individuals i like control over my life. I like to know that if the outcome doesn’t please me i need to change what I bring in to it. This piece of art that can help you change, adapt, grow, evolve is called the brain. The brain can help u understand feelings, math or even men. But what if that piece of organ that you posses is broken? What if it wasnt made the right way? What if that piece which can change your life is no longer working the way it should?
I have a broken piece and I don’t mean my heart. My brains are helping me but in a destructive way. The harder i try to fix things the more i break, the eager i get to find a solution the bigger the disappointment. It made me desperate. It left me broken and then one day i decided i need to bring this broken piece back to its maker. I don’t have a guarantee that he will take it back but if i wanted to fix things i needed to give it back and ask back my money. So i did, I collected all the courage that i had, cause that’s what you need to go on this trip, and i tried to go back. My mom was a witness and she knew how eager i was to fix this problem that i did not create. I started the journey, it was cold, dark, painful and lonely eventually I came to know that my brains did not have any guarantee and so the maker could not take it back. There i was even more sad than that i have ever been. This is it, i have to accept that my brain was defect and that i could probably never love life, enjoy the nights, laugh the hardest or feel the best.
This was the worst pain I have ever felt. The feeling of having no control, no power. The feeling of devastation. The feeling of being completely useless to yourself. Every day was a struggle and sometimes still is. I fall hard and feel the pain. Every time I fall i lose a little bit of myself to despair. I always heard stories about people numbing their pain with sex, drugs or alcohol but i never understood it. Because all those people did not seem really happy after the numbing. My numbing was distraction. Running away. If there would be an Olympics for running away mentally i would have won gold every time. Feeling powerless made me so small that i couldn’t bear the idea of one more hurtful experience. So whenever things got painful i ran. I ran as hard as i could, i ran into the arms of movies, music, friends, travel and love. My feeling of emptiness would not leave me despite all of my effort to run away. It was my shadow and i carried it with me wherever i was.
So one day i decided, i need to heal. Healing is a process. Healing means you sit back feel allllll the pain and sorrow and you try to cope with it on your own. So i did, i learned how to give my pain and sorrow a voice and by writing each word on paper i felt lighter in my soul. I learned to enjoy my own company because i had learned that people are not reliable. I learned to enjoy the sound of quite and peace and i learned to cry the poison out of my system. When you feel so shattered you eagerly long for support but I knew that if I could pick up my own pieces and put them back together would never feel so much pain again. So I did. I read all the books about psychology, pain and mindset. I learned ways to cope with my anxiety. I learned to think positive in times where negativity is everywhere and i learned to appreciate. Appreciate my cup of coffee, a sunny day, the drops of the rain but above all the love given to us by every kind soul we ever meet. I learned never to take something or someone for granted and I learned that happiness is not found in people, things or goals but within ourselves.
By this I am not saying that i never feel pain or broken but I can tell you that by having a mind that was defect i learned to explore beyond my own ability. My shortcomings became my strength and before I was aware of it I started to cope in a whole new way with struggles. Even now I am sad sometimes but my sadness is for a very short time. I can pick myself up out of negativity without conflict. I can feel pain and be ok with it because I know that it’s not forever. I learned the language of my mind and I experienced the strength of not giving up. I got to feel the strength of commitment and I heard the voice of kindness.
So if you are struggling with pain and despair and you can’t cope on your own, don’t feel worthless. Coping with a mental illness is not a personal failure, it’s a challenge you can win by accepting it, understanding it and then finding ways to make it your power. Turning a weakness into an asset is my biggest challenge every step of my life.
By Sodaba Abibzay – Nefelibata