When I was younger I grew up in a community of people for whom achievement and competition was a must. My cousin and my best friend at that time was the great example of a born extravert. She always was a loud and present personality, someone who loved the attention, competition and above all the glory of someone else’s defeat. Being the contrast of her personality, I as an Introvert, enjoyed my peace in crowded gatherings. I loved to listen while others spoke. I defined happiness with the signature of my own approval. Whenever we as youngsters were asked to do a certain thing within the attention of all people present, I suffered a mini heart attack while my cousin volunteered immediately. Her way of happiness differed immense from my way of happiness, while I found happiness in solitude peace she got energy from the lights of the spotlight while she was standing in the middle of the crowd accepting all the glory and attention as her engine. I as her opponent and contrast never felt the jealousy or competition. I never had the urge to stand next to her on that spot of glory and attention or to stand at her place. I was happy standing in the same crowd as others giving her that attention.
The first time I understood that her kind of personality was favoured before mine is when I realised that my parents were not happy with the quite and content personality I was forming. I heard my mom often speak of my cousin as the person she wished me to be. As before I never ever felt the fear of not being good enough, for the first time in life I started to stumble because of the equation of my creators, my own parents.
I stumbled into the strong believe of being a failure. When being an extravert was stated as the natural result of a healthy development then I, the introvert, was the unwanted contrast of that. While realising this I started to develop fears. As we all know fear is the close relative of failure, depression and limitation. That one outspoken wish of parents living in a community of extravert -worshipped personalities bound me, as an introvert, in to the captivated state of limitations.
My whole teen-hood I was searching for that magic stick that could turn me into an extravert. I challenged myself every step of the way to get out of my comfort-zone and do the things an extravert would do. I trained my mind in to believing it was an extravert but what I forgot was that I could not train my heart to feel the happiness I felt before. I was a fish out of water trying to walk while all I wanted and longed for was the silence of the sea.
So me, the INTROVERT, I am the person that has peace in silence, power in independence and happiness from within. In my world competition is a strange because of the unique vision I have of others and myself. Defeat is a shadow I never walk in because I don’t run the race against others. I run my race not to defeat others but to accomplish my own goals. I am friends with silence and a lover of acceptance. I don’t wish for company but I do enjoy the ones I already have. I don’t search for happiness in outside of my own ability but I understand that happiness already is a part of me. For a while I was blind to see by the fog of fear but the lens of acceptance gave me a clear vision of possibilities. I finally understood that in order to have a good life I had to become myself – THE INTROVERT-.
By Sodaba Abibzay